Saturday, March 26, 2011

Long Journey home.....

Yesterday we went to Omaha, so I could see Joan. It was eye opening, but not in a feel good movie kind of way.

She is a color, that can only be described as highlighter neon yellow. Her eyes, her scalp, everything, is yellow. She is a beautiful woman, and to see her so changed was difficult. She was able to communicate, and she smiled her beautiful Joan smile, but I could sense her fear. Fear that this nightmare situation is never going to end. Every time she takes some small step forward, another hurdle comes up. She has a blood clot in her leg, that they can't treat with medicines because her liver can't handle it. She has gained 55 pounds in water weight because her kidneys aren't functioning, which is making it hard for her to breathe. Now the prognosis on the kidneys has moved from a couple of weeks to 6-8 weeks.

I had much to think about on the ride home. Mostly about how I would be under this pressure, and I am not sure I would handle it with such grace. I feel bad because I am relieved it isn't me. I got to come home and take a nap, in my bed. Going home at all, that luxury won't be hers until maybe late May or June. In writing this post, I keep stopping and thinking about her. Her surroundings are a more spacious than I thought they would be, but they are so clinical. I can't help her. I want to help. I want her to be able to smell the spring air in the next few weeks. I don't want to have every improvement she has to be tempered by more bad news. I want her to be able to assert herself again and control her own life, not have it controlled by a machine, and blood draws, and shuffles around the hallways.

I know these posts are debbie downers, and I am sorry for the for that, but they help me process my feelings.

4 comments:

jadedj said...

You go right ahead and process, hon.

gypsyroxylee said...

Georgia, I'm glad you're able to process and channel your feelings through your writing. After all, writing is extremely therapeutic. As for Joan, yes, the road may be long and arduous, but she's alive and from what you write, she sounds like a fighter. Also, she seems to have a net of support in her friends and loved ones which are always a sure way to optimize a person's recovery time. In the meantime, continue to question, process, or even rant if you must, because it's healthy to get things off of our chest and out of our system. And cause we're here to listen to you the same way you're there to listen to Joan.

Minx's Den said...

you go ahead and express what you feel, I know it can help a time or two. before you know it Joan will be back home and it will be so nice and warm out...she is lucky to have a friend like you!

Mama Pants said...

Thank you all for the support, it helps to know that you are all willing to listen.