Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Keeping busy...

I am trying to keep my mind and heart busy with other things because of the unrest about Joan. Happy hands, happy heart. So my new quest is to find a new hairstyle. I have always had bangs, and I do mean always. So for the last two days I have pulled them over with a bobby pin and I am trying a no bang look. Can't quite decide if I like it, I will take a picture later so everyone (all 5 of you) can give me your opinion. Today I put a little flower clip by the bobbie pin, and I think it is quite cute. But I love flowers, and I guess I am still a 5 year old at heart. Hence my undying faithfulness to Mary Jane shoes.

I have also been thinking about learning to sew. My new friend Lauren from Minxden has made the cutest tops lately with appliques, and I have been reading other blogs from people who make their own clothes on a regular basis, and it has inspired me to want to sew. I have my moms old Singer sewing machine, and it needs to be overhauled before I start anything. Right now my focus is going to be on simple skirts, and such. I get frustrated by the lack of cute skirts in my size, with the vintage look I have been trying to achieve. I did sew for a brief bit in 7th and 8th grade, but I have lost most of that knowledge. I think my downfall will be me being overly critical of my work, and never actually wearing it. I also need to find someone to teach me. So I have some plans and thoughts laid to have them come to fruition.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Long Journey home.....

Yesterday we went to Omaha, so I could see Joan. It was eye opening, but not in a feel good movie kind of way.

She is a color, that can only be described as highlighter neon yellow. Her eyes, her scalp, everything, is yellow. She is a beautiful woman, and to see her so changed was difficult. She was able to communicate, and she smiled her beautiful Joan smile, but I could sense her fear. Fear that this nightmare situation is never going to end. Every time she takes some small step forward, another hurdle comes up. She has a blood clot in her leg, that they can't treat with medicines because her liver can't handle it. She has gained 55 pounds in water weight because her kidneys aren't functioning, which is making it hard for her to breathe. Now the prognosis on the kidneys has moved from a couple of weeks to 6-8 weeks.

I had much to think about on the ride home. Mostly about how I would be under this pressure, and I am not sure I would handle it with such grace. I feel bad because I am relieved it isn't me. I got to come home and take a nap, in my bed. Going home at all, that luxury won't be hers until maybe late May or June. In writing this post, I keep stopping and thinking about her. Her surroundings are a more spacious than I thought they would be, but they are so clinical. I can't help her. I want to help. I want her to be able to smell the spring air in the next few weeks. I don't want to have every improvement she has to be tempered by more bad news. I want her to be able to assert herself again and control her own life, not have it controlled by a machine, and blood draws, and shuffles around the hallways.

I know these posts are debbie downers, and I am sorry for the for that, but they help me process my feelings.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

It's a new dawn, it's a new day and I'm feeling OLD?

Update on my friend Joan, she is making a slow recovery. Two more weeks in ICU, and as of right now her kidneys are still on vacation, but....her LIVER is growing, and there is lots of HOPE that everything is going to come out fine. So onward baby steps, and please keep her in your thoughts.

Today my oldest daughter got her braces on, and it drove home that she is starting her journey to womanhood. She starts high school next year, she is making decisions about her future that will hopefully lead to her a fulfilling career. She still talks to me candidly about almost everything, and it is such a joy to find her discovering herself and abilities. I think this part of motherhood excites me more than the baby, and toddler years. It certainly is challenging, but I feel we are closer. She asked me to dye her hair black today, I have resisted this request for two years. I don't know exactly what changed my mind, but I think I felt comfortable with her ability to make the decision. I personally am not a fan of dyed black hair, because it usually looks, well I guess ...dyed. I am one to talk though, as I am sure the colors of my hair have never been seen in nature on their own occurrence. Especially the glob of bright pink hair that I had last summer. So she is sitting right now with black on her hair, ready to change, scared of the difference, a great parallel to the place she is right now in her journey.

Fashion news! I bought a cardi yesterday with an brown leopard or cheetah print (can't tell which one). This is very surprising for me, as I am not huge fan of the animal prints. But, since I have been chasing after a more vintage look, this seems to fit right in. I thought about getting a skirt with that kind of print, but I am more excited about the prospect of the cardi. I also ordered a great dress from Avenue last night. I had a coupon for 50% of my highest priced item, if I bought two things. So I found some clearance panties for $3.99, and my dress ended up being only 29.99, when it started out at 59.99. YEAH ME!

I am not above buying used clothes. I found a board called the fatshion exchange board. Most of the stuff is too small for me, but I did find a cute boho skirt and sweater. I paid for it two weeks ago, and I have yet to get it. The seller disappeared, so I started a claim with paypal. That finally brought the seller out of the woodwork, she had a virus on computer,blah blah blah. Still no clothes, and now she won't reply again. Very frustrating. I just don't understand someone who tries to scam through these boards, it makes a bad experience for everyone. Oh a couple of weeks I should have my money back.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Personal Tsunami.....

Usually I am glib, sarcastic, perhaps a bit irreverent.

Today I am none of those things. Today I am praying that God or whomever controls our universe has one more miracle. A dear friend of mine is in hospital 50 miles away, trying to find the reserves to come back from a liver transplant that was done a week ago. Naively I thought she would be coherent and aware by now. She is not, a three day stay in ICU has turned into a week, without any end in sight. Her kidneys have taken a vacation, she now has daily dialysis. She has not woken up for the last 24 hours. Her body chemistry is going in the wrong direction.

We knew of each other in college, when I was undergrad theatre major and she was getting her masters in theatre. But, we really connected when a few years later we both had daughters a year apart in age, and we both were struggling to gain our footing. She was a single mom from the outset, but her devotion and determination to raise Annie as strong woman was/is inspiring. She followed her dreams before Annie to New York, and then came back home to Nebraska when life threw her a curve ball. She worked three jobs, and eventually got a job as theatre instructor at a local university. She met her soul mate there, I call him her Peanut butter, without him she is just jelly. She thrived, Annie thrived.

5 years ago her spleen went wonky. She had major surgery, they fixed her plumbing, and all seemed better. Until 2009 when she became tired all the time, her skin turned yellow, as did her eyes., her liver was failing. Last June they decided to put her on the transplant list, and she waited. Her cousin at Christmas time offered to be tested, and he was match. What none of us realized is that she had so much toxin built up in her that her tiny half liver is having a hell of a time getting rid of them, and also trying to grow. They told her husband yesterday that they might have to put her on back on the national registry as this "baby" liver may not be able to handle it all. Her husband has not left her side, has slept in a chair every night, and learned the machines and to read the lab results.

Her name is Joan.

To Joan, please know that I can't imagine Annie & Jack without you. I love your high cheekbones. Your perfect teeth. I love your laugh. I love your flour frosting, and the fact that you make it just to eat without a cake being in the way. Your commitment, and tenacity have always amazed me. We need you. Please keep fighting. We have many things to giggle over. You promised to be my room mate in the nursing home, we even have our outfits planned. You get me, off kilter humor and all. Joan, I love you, don't leave.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Normalcy returns

My last week has been better at work, the tension is at least gone. But, I miss my friend, and it is lonely without her.

Some fashion news: Lane Bryant had a great sale last weekend, and I was able to get a cardigan, dress and skirt for $32.00. I wore my new skirt and cardi today and got a ton of compliments. I should have taken a picture when I got home, but I just wanted to slip into my grey tshirt and jeans. Told ya I love grey! Speaking of which I bought another grey tshirt in my jaunt to Target.

To borrow some style from one of my favorite bloggers Minxden. Here is a list of things that made me happy today.

1. Got a new Grey T-shirt.
2. Someone told me I was "stylin" today at work.
3.Got to finally try Lorina Sparkling Blood Orange soda. YUM!
4. Reading this post from another one of my favorite bloggers Bella from One Sister's Rant. It made me laugh, hard. It is totally something I would love to do to the Ms. Vogue's and Ms. Elle's of the world.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Hard week.....

I have had a tremendously hard week. Most of it can't be discussed here, but it has left me down. I could sense that something was off in my department, there was tension that was almost palpable. Everyone felt it, everyone reacted to it. By Thursday I was miserable, because I knew something bad was going to happen, it was just a matter of when. Friday I had made it most of the day, and nothing had happened, and it felt different, like a decision was made. Unfortunately, the decision was that someone had to be fired (not me), and it was a good friend. She may have made some grievous mistakes, and some of them could have happened because of bad equipment. I will never know the absolute truth, and the outcome is the same regardless. I feel vulnerable. I know that every job has the chance of being laid off, being let go, etc. This situation has brought that fear to fore front on my thinking. I feel bad for my supervisor as she didn't make the decision lightly and I could tell she felt like hell about it. I of course worry about my friend as now she has to face finding a job in a shaky economy, and trying to explain why she was let go on her resume. I take everything to heart, I want to fix this, but I am unable to.

Life is difficult.