Friday, December 31, 2010

New Years Resolutions

New Years Resolutions 2011
  1. I will start working on my self image, and try to learn to accept my self as I am, fat or not.
  2. I will go to the Gym with Lindsay three times a week, and buy some tennis shoes.
  3. When I am at the gym I will look in the mirror, and not away, and I will confront the real me, and tell myself I am still beautiful.
  4. I will write in my blog at least twice a week, and try to start a Outfit of the Day. I have some great new clothes, and I am anxious for others who are plus size to see them, so they can gauge for themselves if a brand is for them.
  5. I will buy some clothes from Evans in the UK, because I have been lusting for them for awhile.
  6. I will watch my pennies better this year, and try to reinvent my old clothes I no longer wear. I am not a sewer, but I think I have enough skills to reconstruct some of my things. First project a cute Talbots sweater that is too tight but may become wearable if I put some lace panels in it.
  7. Figure out a new hairstyle. I have been messing with color now for about a year. But my hair by the end of the day is limp and weird looking. I am a 80's child, so I have a hard time with sleek hair that lays flat. I like some pouf!!!! I just don't have the patience to mess around with it for a long time in the morning.
  8. I will keep up with the laundry.

Quick update with my health journey. I am not diabetic. I finally found a doctor that listened (really listened) and we think I have PCOS. Which I suspected for a long time but never could anyone to pay heed to me. She has done multiple blood tests to see where my hormone levels are during my cycle, and I go back to see her on Monday to get another check. I was placed on progesterone cream, and so far no side effects but also no improvement, although I am unsure what it is supposed to improve. I am looking forward to getting these things under control, most of all the excess hair on my face (so embarrassing).

Gray T shirt from Walmart (before I started to boycott them).
Jeans from Avenue
White Socks

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Tick Tock....

The time of reckoning is coming soon......

I ate some doughnuts, mexican food, last hurrah? I wish it tasted super good, but it didn't because I am worried. BAH!

This next week is going to be full of stress. Which will make me want to eat. Damn.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Bad Results

I just recently went through my work place wellness blood draw. I was anticipating that my triglyceride levels would be normal for once, and everything except my measurements would be improved. I was wrong. My trigylcerides were little better than last year, despite me taking mediciation. I faxed my results to my doctors office and I am now on some new and improved medicines and scheduled for a diabetes test on Monday. I (stupidly) asked mid year last year to switch my triglyceride medicine to a cheaper version. At that time my levels were textbook perfect, now they are BLAH. And my glucose level has gone up slightly again, thus the diabetes test. So I am forced to have the come to jesus meeting that I have been dreading for a long time.

I like eating, I love food, the smells, the textures, the combinations. I also like to soothe my wounded self with a thick balm of carbs, but apparently I can't do that anymore. But I don't want to change, because it seems too hard, and will definately take too long. Sure I would love to lose weight but I don't want to work at, just take a magic pill. I know that when I was pregnant with my second one, that I lost weight like no ones business and it was wonderful, because I didn't work at it, and it just came off. I hate being boxed in by measuring, by accounting. By feeling guilty when I screw up, and trying to get back on track, and then ultimately abandoning it. I really have no will power, because I don't want to change. I know I should be scared shitless by the possibility of having diabetes, but really I just don't care, so I am more worried about not caring. Maybe I should talk to the doctor about that instead.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Turn of the blog

I forgot I even started this blog a few years ago. Life came in the way, and ultimately nothing to write about. I was going to do an American Idol review, which came to nothing, mainly I hate being tied down to posting or watching something every week. I have figured out that when I feel obligated it becomes a chore, and then I look for ways to get out of it. Also, I feel bad about myself for not finishing and that becomes a weird circle of self hate.

I have been thinking for awhile about writing about my weight. A dilemma I have faced almost my whole life. I waiver from fat acceptance to challenging myself to loose weight. I struggle with my body issues that are imposed from the outside to the self loathing on the inside. I have been reading different things lately about the fat acceptance movement, and I want to agree with all of them, and in some ways I do, but then I look at pictures of women being proud of themselves in outfits that are unflattering, and make them look huge, and it kinda grosses me out. Ironically, if I wore that same outfit it would be even more unflattering on me. So I am hoping that by writing about this to myself I can find the direction I am ultimately happy with, and grow towards that sun.