Thursday, December 9, 2010

Bad Results

I just recently went through my work place wellness blood draw. I was anticipating that my triglyceride levels would be normal for once, and everything except my measurements would be improved. I was wrong. My trigylcerides were little better than last year, despite me taking mediciation. I faxed my results to my doctors office and I am now on some new and improved medicines and scheduled for a diabetes test on Monday. I (stupidly) asked mid year last year to switch my triglyceride medicine to a cheaper version. At that time my levels were textbook perfect, now they are BLAH. And my glucose level has gone up slightly again, thus the diabetes test. So I am forced to have the come to jesus meeting that I have been dreading for a long time.

I like eating, I love food, the smells, the textures, the combinations. I also like to soothe my wounded self with a thick balm of carbs, but apparently I can't do that anymore. But I don't want to change, because it seems too hard, and will definately take too long. Sure I would love to lose weight but I don't want to work at, just take a magic pill. I know that when I was pregnant with my second one, that I lost weight like no ones business and it was wonderful, because I didn't work at it, and it just came off. I hate being boxed in by measuring, by accounting. By feeling guilty when I screw up, and trying to get back on track, and then ultimately abandoning it. I really have no will power, because I don't want to change. I know I should be scared shitless by the possibility of having diabetes, but really I just don't care, so I am more worried about not caring. Maybe I should talk to the doctor about that instead.

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