While I was away......

My Oldest turned 14, isn't she beautiful?

We got a new table and chairs! Table $50.00 from antique store. Chairs $1.00 a piece from Garage Sale, need to be recovered, but what a great deal! Look at the base of the table, how ATOMIC age can you get???? It totally matches our ceiling fan! YEAH!

Spring Has Sprung......My Lillies first blooms!Flower boxes planted and painted!

My Makeup Table before: Chaos & UGLY!

My Makeup Table After: Organized and Lovely


Tablecloth is an old Laura Ashley Sheet. Lamp from Goodwill that my Jaded J fixed. Soup Tureen ,Old Platter, Cream Pitcher, antiques given to me by my mom, so I finally found a use for them. Fruit Crate from awhile ago that I used a book shelf before, and now it stores my nail polish and extras. The make up mirror, another garage sale find. It sells for $110.00 at Bed Bath & Beyond, I got it for $5.00!!!!!!!!

Joan update.....She gets to go HOME early next week! Can you believe it? She is walking (still with a walker). She can go up the stairs, and has learned to get back into a car. She promised me that she would do NOTHING for the rest of summer but rest and be a lady of leisure.

Life is pretty damn good....!

Smoother Sailing.......

My wonderful, beautiful friend Joan has gotten to come back home, well at least to our hometown.

She is currently in a rehab hospital, learning to walk again. But she is close, and she is doing fantastic in all other ways.

Last night I went to see her. I had such a visceral reaction to seeing her coherent, and talking, and aware, I burst into tears. She burst into tears. We were both so happy to see each other, to get that second chance to say "I love you", "I missed you". She is a miracle.

Her smile, was the balm I needed. I found the peace I sought since she went into the hospital. I know this sounds sappy, but I can't describe my feelings in any other way. I have been on a high ever since, because anything seems possible. I can see the joy.

Here is to second chances, sometimes given directly, sometimes lived vicariously through others.

Transplant Thoughts

I have been thinking hard about the transplant that Joan received last week. I am so grateful that she was able to get the liver in time. I also feel an infinite sadness for the family who lost someone so Joan could live.

Joan and I discussed this when we found out that she needed the transplant. I think she was conlicted about it, I would be too. For me the conflict would be, could I live a worthy enough life after the transplant to deserve it? I don't know Joan's reasons of doubt, as she keeps everything close to her heart, but perhaps she has/had the same fear. I know that the person who gave Joan her liver did not die by choice, but for them to think beyond their death was altruism at its best. We will never know why the person who signed the donation card decided to do it in the first place. In fact, it seems we will never know anything at all about the person, as these things are kept private.

The donor family will never know Joan. I hope that they are finding some solace that their loved one is helping another family not deal with a death. If I could say thank you, I would a thousand times. Joan has always made the most of her life, and I know that with this second chance she will continue to do so. So even if she fears she is not worthy of this chance at life, I know undoubtedly that she is someone that has much more to give.

Tentatively.....OH HAPPY DAY!

I have had one of those weeks, that I hope will not be repeated in LONG time. The stress level has been off the charts, and my emotions have been back forth too many times to count.

I really thought that I had seen Joan for the last time. She took a turn for the worse last weekend, and just couldn't come back from the trauma. We found out on Tuesday that her new liver was failing, and she was going to be put back on the transplant list. Thursday she was really doing badly, and quite honestly I didn't know if she would make it. Then, nothing short of a miracle happened. They found her a liver and she received it yesterday morning. It was one month to the date from the first transplant. I have spoken with Jack numerous times since she came out of surgery, and everything is going well, dare I say really well? Her real color is coming back, her body chemistry is working. The doctors have warned that this is still going to be an uphill battle for her, because her body has gone through so much, and her stamina needs to be built up. But....my Joan as of today is doing better. Even a little better is glorious to the ears. They are talking about getting her up and walking maybe by Monday or Tuesday.

Thank you for the support that everyone has given me. I am sure that we will face more dark days, but hopefully with setbacks that can be taken care of quickly. I have a lot more that I want to write about this, but I wanted everyone to know the update, as it was finally good news.

Everyone had a great day....

Today was just beautiful here. The weather brought everyone out of their houses. I know for me that it helped my attitude too! I have been down lately, and the better weather was a much needed upper.

My windows are open as I write this, and I can hear my youngest playing on the front stoop. She is playing "puppies", what we nicknamed the Littlest Pet Shop dolls/pets. I love to hear her play, and have her make up the conversations. The cats have been in the windows all day, sniffing the spring air, and telling off the squirrels. We went to the park and had an ice cream cone. Tonight we are having our first steak on the grill. Can you say paradise?

I hope that every one else had the same kind of day. The weekends always go too fast.

Quick Joan update: I went to see her on Friday after work. She looked the same to me, very yellow, and was kind out of it. But...they did find a hole in her liver that was causing the bile to pool in a stomach cavity. Upshot, they are draining the hole now with a device that comes out of her body, but the hope is that they now know what is wrong and are making small steps to improve her condition and she will slowly start to get better. So we are all cautiously optimistic. The good news is that her liver is not rejecting, and is growing A LOT!

Keeping busy...

I am trying to keep my mind and heart busy with other things because of the unrest about Joan. Happy hands, happy heart. So my new quest is to find a new hairstyle. I have always had bangs, and I do mean always. So for the last two days I have pulled them over with a bobby pin and I am trying a no bang look. Can't quite decide if I like it, I will take a picture later so everyone (all 5 of you) can give me your opinion. Today I put a little flower clip by the bobbie pin, and I think it is quite cute. But I love flowers, and I guess I am still a 5 year old at heart. Hence my undying faithfulness to Mary Jane shoes.


I have also been thinking about learning to sew. My new friend Lauren from Minxden has made the cutest tops lately with appliques, and I have been reading other blogs from people who make their own clothes on a regular basis, and it has inspired me to want to sew. I have my moms old Singer sewing machine, and it needs to be overhauled before I start anything. Right now my focus is going to be on simple skirts, and such. I get frustrated by the lack of cute skirts in my size, with the vintage look I have been trying to achieve. I did sew for a brief bit in 7th and 8th grade, but I have lost most of that knowledge. I think my downfall will be me being overly critical of my work, and never actually wearing it. I also need to find someone to teach me. So I have some plans and thoughts laid out...now to have them come to fruition.

Long Journey home.....

Yesterday we went to Omaha, so I could see Joan. It was eye opening, but not in a feel good movie kind of way.

She is a color, that can only be described as highlighter neon yellow. Her eyes, her scalp, everything, is yellow. She is a beautiful woman, and to see her so changed was difficult. She was able to communicate, and she smiled her beautiful Joan smile, but I could sense her fear. Fear that this nightmare situation is never going to end. Every time she takes some small step forward, another hurdle comes up. She has a blood clot in her leg, that they can't treat with medicines because her liver can't handle it. She has gained 55 pounds in water weight because her kidneys aren't functioning, which is making it hard for her to breathe. Now the prognosis on the kidneys has moved from a couple of weeks to 6-8 weeks.

I had much to think about on the ride home. Mostly about how I would be under this pressure, and I am not sure I would handle it with such grace. I feel bad because I am relieved it isn't me. I got to come home and take a nap, in my bed. Going home at all, that luxury won't be hers until maybe late May or June. In writing this post, I keep stopping and thinking about her. Her surroundings are a more spacious than I thought they would be, but they are so clinical. I can't help her. I want to help. I want her to be able to smell the spring air in the next few weeks. I don't want to have every improvement she has to be tempered by more bad news. I want her to be able to assert herself again and control her own life, not have it controlled by a machine, and blood draws, and shuffles around the hallways.

I know these posts are debbie downers, and I am sorry for the for that, but they help me process my feelings.

It's a new dawn, it's a new day and I'm feeling OLD?

Update on my friend Joan, she is making a slow recovery. Two more weeks in ICU, and as of right now her kidneys are still on vacation, but....her LIVER is growing, and there is lots of HOPE that everything is going to come out fine. So onward baby steps, and please keep her in your thoughts.

Today my oldest daughter got her braces on, and it drove home that she is starting her journey to womanhood. She starts high school next year, she is making decisions about her future that will hopefully lead to her a fulfilling career. She still talks to me candidly about almost everything, and it is such a joy to find her discovering herself and abilities. I think this part of motherhood excites me more than the baby, and toddler years. It certainly is challenging, but I feel we are closer. She asked me to dye her hair black today, I have resisted this request for two years. I don't know exactly what changed my mind, but I think I felt comfortable with her ability to make the decision. I personally am not a fan of dyed black hair, because it usually looks, well I guess ...dyed. I am one to talk though, as I am sure the colors of my hair have never been seen in nature on their own occurrence. Especially the glob of bright pink hair that I had last summer. So she is sitting right now with black on her hair, ready to change, scared of the difference, a great parallel to the place she is right now in her journey.

Fashion news! I bought a cardi yesterday with an brown leopard or cheetah print (can't tell which one). This is very surprising for me, as I am not huge fan of the animal prints. But, since I have been chasing after a more vintage look, this seems to fit right in. I thought about getting a skirt with that kind of print, but I am more excited about the prospect of the cardi. I also ordered a great dress from Avenue last night. I had a coupon for 50% of my highest priced item, if I bought two things. So I found some clearance panties for $3.99, and my dress ended up being only 29.99, when it started out at 59.99. YEAH ME!

I am not above buying used clothes. I found a board called the fatshion exchange board. Most of the stuff is too small for me, but I did find a cute boho skirt and sweater. I paid for it two weeks ago, and I have yet to get it. The seller disappeared, so I started a claim with paypal. That finally brought the seller out of the woodwork, she had a virus on computer,blah blah blah. Still no clothes, and now she won't reply again. Very frustrating. I just don't understand someone who tries to scam through these boards, it makes a bad experience for everyone. Oh well.....in a couple of weeks I should have my money back.

Personal Tsunami.....

Usually I am glib, sarcastic, perhaps a bit irreverent.

Today I am none of those things. Today I am praying that God or whomever controls our universe has one more miracle. A dear friend of mine is in hospital 50 miles away, trying to find the reserves to come back from a liver transplant that was done a week ago. Naively I thought she would be coherent and aware by now. She is not, a three day stay in ICU has turned into a week, without any end in sight. Her kidneys have taken a vacation, she now has daily dialysis. She has not woken up for the last 24 hours. Her body chemistry is going in the wrong direction.

We knew of each other in college, when I was undergrad theatre major and she was getting her masters in theatre. But, we really connected when a few years later we both had daughters a year apart in age, and we both were struggling to gain our footing. She was a single mom from the outset, but her devotion and determination to raise Annie as strong woman was/is inspiring. She followed her dreams before Annie to New York, and then came back home to Nebraska when life threw her a curve ball. She worked three jobs, and eventually got a job as theatre instructor at a local university. She met her soul mate there, I call him her Peanut butter, without him she is just jelly. She thrived, Annie thrived.

5 years ago her spleen went wonky. She had major surgery, they fixed her plumbing, and all seemed better. Until 2009 when she became tired all the time, her skin turned yellow, as did her eyes., her liver was failing. Last June they decided to put her on the transplant list, and she waited. Her cousin at Christmas time offered to be tested, and he was match. What none of us realized is that she had so much toxin built up in her that her tiny half liver is having a hell of a time getting rid of them, and also trying to grow. They told her husband yesterday that they might have to put her on back on the national registry as this "baby" liver may not be able to handle it all. Her husband has not left her side, has slept in a chair every night, and learned the machines and to read the lab results.

Her name is Joan.

To Joan, please know that I can't imagine Annie & Jack without you. I love your high cheekbones. Your perfect teeth. I love your laugh. I love your flour frosting, and the fact that you make it just to eat without a cake being in the way. Your commitment, and tenacity have always amazed me. We need you. Please keep fighting. We have many things to giggle over. You promised to be my room mate in the nursing home, we even have our outfits planned. You get me, off kilter humor and all. Joan, I love you, don't leave.